Bayern Munich have a serious crisis on their hands. During the team’s 1-0 win over Union Berlin, both Konrad Laimer and Joshua Kimmich suffered injuries that will keep them sidelined for six weeks and one week respectively. This means that, with Noussair Mazraoui called up to Morocco for AFCON, Thomas Tuchel has exactly zero natural right-backs on his squad for the Augsburg game.
Enter Harry Kane.
“I’ve always dreamed of playing as a defender,” admitted the England captain. “It was Jose who showed me the way, actually, back when he was at Spurs. Miss that guy. Wonder where he is right now.”
When informed that Jose Mourinho had been sacked by Roma, Sir Harold appeared to lose himself in thought. “I should tell Uli,” he was heard muttering under his breath. “We should give him a call.”
He quickly regained his composure and continued. “When we were under Conte, the gaffer called me his best defender! We were always ordered to stay behind the halfway line anyway, so I guess we were all defenders under him.”
“Jo and Konnie can rest easy, I’ve got this,” he said.
When asked who would take over as striker in his absence, he replied, “Striker? I haven’t played striker in weeks. Coach says I’m a DM, everyone knows that.”
Interview over, Bayern Munich’s new right-back hopped into his club-provided Audi and sped away to avoid further questions. He was seen driving well under the speed limit the entire time.