My Bad Take: Bayern Munich should sign ME as Manuel Neuer’s replacement

Manuel Neuer’s recent injury has Bayern Munich looking high and low for a new goalkeeper. Yann Sommer and Alexander Nübel seem to be the top candidates, while World Cup stars Dominik Livaković and Yassine Bounou were also loosely linked with the club. Most recently, Neuer’s international teammate Kevin Trapp was brought up as well.

But there is one candidate that the club may be overlooking, and who would be a great asset to the team. That candidate is…drum roll please…

…me! Teddy “Maverick” Son himself.

I’ve played in goal for quite some time, ever since high school and all throughout college. Throughout those seven years, I only lost one official match. True story. That enough should be ample evidence to prove that I have what it takes to succeed.

Well that’s all good, but what exactly is my style of play? I would define it as “as close to Manuel Neuer as possible.” Being a Bayern and Germany fan, Neuer was the one goalkeeper who I watched most of all, and it was therefore only natural that I would model my playstyle after him. I’m quick and agile on my feet, I’m really good at split-second decision making, and I’m really, really good at saving. There’s no other way to put it. Basically everything that Neuer does as a goalkeeper, I can do as well.

Of course, we can’t describe Neuer without mentioning his sweeper-keeper nature. Good news, I started playing in goal around the time that Neuer started reinventing the position, and I took his style to heart. I’m good at sweeping the ball up, and I’m also not half bad at distribution. My shots are not hard, but they’re pretty precise. I’m a firm believer that modern goalkeepers need to be good with the ball at their feet, and I’m happy to say that I fit that bill.

But my best quality as a goalkeeper doesn’t come from my skill set. I believe my biggest strength is my confidence. I’m normally a pretty reserved person outside of football, but when I step onto that field, I do a complete 180. I bark out orders, I yell at my defenders if they make any mistakes, I punch the ground in anger if I concede. I show that I’m putting every single ounce of effort into what I do. That affects my play as well. I’m not afraid to run out of goal and into the opponents. I intimidate them as much as possible. The key is to make them afraid to take shots at me. Not only am I a good shot-stopper and a decent sweeper-keeper, I have a strong ego and one heck of a temper. That’s what the best goalkeepers all have, and that’s what sets them apart. Neuer always has a commanding presence in his area, as did Oliver Kahn back in his playing days. I’m no different from them.

I guess my only weakness as a goalkeeper is my relatively slight stature, but my aforementioned strengths do more than enough to cover it.

Not only am I an amazing goalkeeper, but I’m also pretty cheap. First, I’m a free agent as of now, so signing me should be free. My wages will not be high, either. As long as I and my loved ones are provided for adequately, I don’t want that much money. You won’t find me making headlines about wage disputes when my contract extension rolls around.

But Maverick you glamorous golden god of a goalkeeper, I hear you say, I thought you mentioned that you were a striker in some earlier comments? Well, that’s yet another advantage of signing me. My main position is goalkeeper, of course, but I’ve also made a trade of playing in various outfield positions as well. I started out as a center back and sometimes tried my luck at full back. I’ve also played in midfield, and, yes, lately I’ve gone further upfield and played as a striker too. I can be a good replacement if anywhere on the field needs a hole plugged in. One thing to note, though: I’m not the fastest player on the pitch, so I’m a lot better off playing down the middle than on the sides.

So this can be the plan going forward: Bayern signs me as a goalkeeper, and I play in goal until Neuer returns from injury. From then on, I frequent between being Neuer’s backup and playing outfield from time to time. Once Neuer retires, I can go back to being a full-time goalkeeper.

It’s not every day that someone this skilled and ambidextrous comes knocking. Bayern should look to Asia and sign me as soon as possible. I’m pretty confident that I can lead Bayern to multiple trophies, including the elusive Champions League. Someone give Brazzo a call…