As we are inundated by transfer rumors, Sky has stepped up to the plate to try and pinpoint the selling prices for the players that Bayern Munich — allegedly — has up for sale.
Whether you believe the rumors or not, Sky has the magic numbers for those Bayern Munich players most linked with an exit from The Rekordmeister.
So...we did this...BFW’s Let’s Make a (Transfer) Deal!
Announcer: Welcome everybody to BFW’s new game show, “Let’s Make a (Transfer) Deal!”
(C.Smith comes running out from backstage slamming a beer and wearing one of those Dumb and Dumber powder blue tuxedos)
CS: I’ll be your your host for today’s show! Let’s get right to business and meet our contestants. Up first, this guy is best known for his status as head of the #MüllerMafia, his dislike of Benjamin Pavard, and once getting the Daily Mail to feature him in an article....it’s Ineednoname!
INNN: Wow...you actually do have hair!
CS: Next up, this lad likes to make everyone think he’s British, loves Liverpool (crowd boos vociferously!), and was listed as one of Connecticut’s most eligible bachelors in 2021....#EnglishTom Adaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaams!
ETA: It’s not a good idea to look at Tommy Adams the wrong way, mate.
CS: Okay then, going all third person early on us, let’s give it up again for BFW’s resident scouser! Finally, our last contestant likes to unravel during Bayern losses and sometimes makes the Emo version of Batman seems bright and cheerful, let’s hear it for the deep-voiced BFW baritone....Teddy Soooooooooooooon!
TS: Why am I even here? I should be burying my Hamit Altıntop kit in the backyard.
Let’s get started! According to Sky, these are the asking prices for the players that Bayern Munich (allegedly) has placed up for sale. To win, you must be closest to the number without going over...and the winner of this competition will be this vacation to...Lancaster County, PA...the home of Dutch Wonderland, Christian Pulisic, where Marcus Iredahl once posed with the Intercourse, PA sign (we have proof of this) when he was like 10-years-old, and the Amish Mafia!
(Crowd oohs and aahs)
CS: Okay contestants, let’s get going with the competition....ARE...YOU...READY?
INNN: (no response...texting a lady...what a sly dog)
ETA: “I’m chuffed to bits!”
TS: “I’m not going to choke in this contest like Nagelsmann would!”
CS: Okay, contestants, how much would Bayern like to get for Robert Lewandowski
INNN: At least €50 million.
ETA: 75 million pounds, mate.
CS: Uh, #EnglishTom, can you convert that to euros?
ETA: Me don’t acknowledge the euro, mate.
CS: Teddy Son, how about you?
TS: No amount is enough to prevent Bayern from entering a black hole of despair.
CS: Alright then. Sky report says...Robert Lewandowski is available for at least €50 million. Ineednoname, you’ve won this round! Next up, Marcel Sabitzer...how much does Bayern want for him?
INNN: €15 million.
ETA: £5 million.
CS: (shakes head in disgust)
TS: Why does it even matter? Nagelsmann won’t play whoever we sign as his replacement!
CS: Sky report says...Bayern wants €15 million for Marcel Sabitzer! Ineednoname, you’ve won again! Congratulations, you are one step closer to clinching a huge victory. Now we have Omar Riiiiiiiiiiiiichards!
CS: #EnglishTom Adams, let’s start with you this time — and hopefully you conform to using euros as the currency here.
ETA: Bloody hell, you're mad as a hatter, mate! £7 million.
CS: But...ah, never mind! Teddy Son, take it away.
TS: He was only here one year and barely played...how much could he possibly be worth. Not as much as my Sebastian Deisler throwback kit.
CS: (takes shot of whiskey). Ineednoname, how about you?
INNN: €10-€12 million no doubt in my mind.
CS: Sky report says....Omar Richards can be had for €10-€12 million! Ineednoname, you’ve won again!
CS: Okay we are in the final round and Ineednoname holds a substantial lead, but both #EnglishTom Adams and Teddy Son could still comeback and steal the match if they can get the final answer dead on the money. No pun intended...HEY-OOOOOOOO. Here we go...are you ready?
CS: Contestants, what is the combined total Bayern Munich would want for Serge Gnabry, Benjamin Pavard, and Bouna Sarr — plus each individual breakdown. You have 30 seconds, starting...NOW!
CS: Okay, pencils down! Teddy Son, let’s start with you!
TS: I didn’t answer because this game sucks and you are a dolt! (storms out of BFW studio)
CS: That’s unfortunate, #EnglishTom Adams, let’s go over to you.
ETA: This show is Sweet Fanny Adams, mate. It’s rubbish and you’ve lost the plot. You’re taking the piss and me can’t take it any longer. (storms out of BFW studio)
CS: Again, unfortunate and I can’t tell if #EnglishTom is supposed to be British or a pirate. Ineednoname, well, let’s hear from you.
INNN: A total of €75 million. €40 million for Serge Gnabry, €30 million for Benjamin Pavard and €5 million for Bouna Sarr.
CS: That is....(dramatic pause)...correct! €40 million for Serge Gnabry, €30 million for Benjamin Pavard and €5 million for Bouna Sarr. You’ve won! Ineednoname is our grand champion!
(Crowd roars, except benzeman who hurls a tomato at him!)
CS; Ineednoname, how did you throw a perfect game out there today?
INNN: I read the article before the show you dope.
CS: Okay, well that’s it for today! Have fun in Lancaster County! We’ll see you next time on BFW’s Let’s Make a (Transfer) Deal!”
(Yeah, we needed a different closing theme)