Cue the circus music: Everton and Newcastle United want Bayern Munich’s Thomas Muller

In the wake of club football grinding to a halt due to an ill-timed international break, it is the job of the transfer media to keep us entertained. This week, they’ve delivered. According to Christian Falk of Bild (yes yes, I know) Everton and Newcastle United both want to sign Thomas Muller from Bayern Munich.

To prove that I didn’t just make this up (I’ve done that on occasion, don’t judge) here is the actual tweet from Falk’s account:

Before we get into how absurd this rumor is, let’s just remember that Thomas Muller has won more major titles (30) than either Everton (24) or Newcastle (12) in their entire history. He is literally bigger than the clubs that want him. He’s also in the prime of his career and chasing the record for most assists in a single Bundesliga season (a record that he already holds).

These clubs are dreaming if they think they can get Thomas Muller to downgrade from Bayern Munich when all reports indicate that the club want to give him an extension. And honestly, what would Muller even do at those trashfire clubs? He could possibly take over the coaching job at Everton, confident in the knowledge that they could hardly get any worse.

As far as rumors go, this is mildly entertaining and should tide us over for a few days. Thanks to Christian for the laugh, it’s good to see Bild embrace their inherently satirical nature and report something other than the 30th Erling Haaland rumor of the month.