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Bavarian Grass Works: Another slight for Bayern Munich and the Allianz Arena

This aggression will not

FC Bayern Muenchen v FC Schalke 04 - Bundesliga For DFL Photo by Johannes Simon/Bundesliga Collection via Getty Images

I’d like to thank former Bavarian Football Works chief John N. Dillon for alerting me to this bit of news.

Per the DFL, Holstein Kiel and Wolfsburg have the most immaculate — and excellent — pitches in Germany.

Kiel, who infamously knocked Bayern Munich out of the DFB-Pokal, is now turning into every 80s teen movie bully, just shoving Bayern Munich into lockers left and right.

Picture it now, Bayern Munich sneaking into the bathroom and putting a hose in over the stall to spray down Holstein Kiel only have all of Kiel chasing Bayern Munich down and putting a beating on them until a wise, old grass sage (me?) shows up to save the day.

All of this, of course, leads to me getting drunk and incoherent, while a young and confused Fiete Arp sees an old picture of me and my wife before he ultimately leads Bayern Munich to glory in next season All Germany Grass Tournament.

Did I take that a little too far? Ok...I did, but I am immediately starting filming that fan-fic flick. Can we get Ineednoname a blonde wig to play Arp?

Anyway, Wolfsburg getting the nod might even more of a slight and this aggression will not

The “Pitch of the Year” award 2020/21 for outstanding lawn quality goes to: @VfL_Wolfsburg and @Holstein_Kiel - congratulations. What the perfect lawn looks like

What a perfect lawn looks like? HOW DARE YOU!

Portugal v Germany - UEFA Euro 2020 Group F
Robin Gosens looked so good on the Allianz Arena grass that FC Barcelona wants to bring him in!
Photo by Andre Weening/BSR Agency/Getty Images

A sumptuous, luscious, and downright sexy piece of grass like the Allianz Arena, just isn’t for everyone I guess. I’m not here to lawn-shame what anyone else is into, but if you don’t just want to roll around on this turf, you are just a pasture prude, who should go back to scoring dog tracks instead of the sultry sod laid down in Munich.

Get your head out of your grass, DFL!

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