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Bavarian Grass Works: Bayern Munich earns third place as VfL Wolfsburg, Holstein Kiel recognized for pitch perfection

It is time to rally the troops.

Turf from Mecklenburg-Western Pomerania Photo by Jens Büttner/picture alliance via Getty Images

Once again, Bayern Munich’s Allianz Arena was left out in the cold when it comes to the DFL’s “Pitch of the Year” award.

As you can imagine, the staffers at Bavarian Grass Works were less-than-thrilled. Let’s look at the details:

As part of the annual information meeting for greenkeepers, the “Pitch of the Year” award was presented to those responsible for greenkeeping at the host VfL Wolfsburg and Holstein Kiel on Monday. Bundesliga club VfL Wolfsburg with the Volkswagen Arena and Holstein Kiel with the Holstein Stadium as a club of the 2nd Bundesliga were recognized by a jury for their excellent turf quality in June. The “Pitch of the Year” award was presented to those responsible for the greenkeeping of the finalists from the Bundesliga and Bundesliga 2.

If you want to dive into the details, the final standings were as follows:

Bundesliga

  1. VfL Wolfsburg
  2. Borussia Dortmund (I hope they are popping champagne over this)
  3. Bayern Munich

2. Bundesliga

  1. Holstein Kiel
  2. 1. FC Heidenheim
  3. SV Darmstadt 98

Moreover, there was a certified orgy of grass personnel held in Wolfsburg:

For the 13th time, greenkeepers from the Bundesliga, 2nd Bundesliga and 3rd league have come together for the annual information meeting, this time in the Volkswagen Arena. The gathering this year was again dedicated to exchanging ideas about everyday work as well as current projects and developments in the field of greenkeeping.


BFW Analysis

There are a couple of issues...let’s examine:

  • How the DFL could not factor in consultation from the only outlet that produces in depth grass coverage is still a mystery. If anyone can identify a perfect patch of grass it is BFW. We were BORN for this — all of us, the entire Benevolent Order BFW of Grasshounds.
  • As for the Allianz Arena pitch, let us quote Oscar Wilde: “We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.” While third place is...good...we must strive to be better.
  • The Allianz Arena absolutely needs to level up its game. Ranking third for such a prestigious award should serve as a wake-up call for the grounds crew. To inspire the fellas out there tending to the turf, I offer up the following bit of inspiration:

“I have not failed in honing the perfect pitch. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that can’t compete with a grass juggernaut like Holstein Kiel.” — Thomas Edison (— Chuck Smith)

  • In recent seasons, players like Manuel Neuer and Robert Lewandowski have went on record to express their grass envy at some opposing arenas. Bayern Munich simply cannot afford to have its players distracted by every fine piece of grass that they see. The Allianz Arena must start an improvement plan to make its grass as appealing as any other random pitch.
  • At this stage I am ready to blow the BFW budget on recreating Stroke 9’s early-00’s anthem “Kick Some Ass”, featuring me on lead vocals, Tom Adams on drums, Markopolo on lead guitar, and maseren on the bass.

How many people want to per-fect some grass?

I used to be a grass nerd,

Tended to a pitch in Wolfsburg

Nothing there ever went wrong,

The grass never got too long

I talk about the pitch,

Complain about Michael Gregoritsch

Tell people I’m down with all the cool grounds crews in Kiel

When I’ve never...even...been there

How many people wanna per-fect some grass

(I do I do)

And how many people are sick of holding back

(I am)

Well I am too

You get the point.