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Bavarian Fitness Works: Unravelling the secrets behind the insane fitness levels of Bayern players

Is it super soldier serum? Is it the “dessert before dinner” regime? Is it Süle’s 10 burgers a day cheat? Whatever the formula, Bayern players are looking more bulked up than ever before.

Lewanbuffski celebrates scoring a goal with Swolretzka.
Photo by MARTIN MEISSNER/POOL/AFP via Getty Images

Bayern’s superb treble-winning season saw them swat away opponents with ease. Undoubtedly the most terrifying club in Europe, Bayern’s victorious campaign is still resonating in the hearts and minds of fans the world over. The team played some of the best football we’ve ever seen, and fought as a bunch of gladiators under the guidance of Lord Flick.

However, what we must definitely not overlook is the fact that the players have been undergoing massive transformations in terms of body fitness levels, too. The squad quite literally looks like a group of gladiators from ancient Rome, ready to jump into the Colosseum that is the pitch and tear their opponents apart.

Caution: the content in this article can be extremely sensual. Please prepare yourselves mentally before proceeding.

Mr. Poland

We’ve always known Lewandowski to be a fitness freak, so we can get the obvious out of the way first. On the pitch, he is an absolute tank: spearheading the attack, omnipresent in the midfield and pitching in some tackles in the final third to win the ball and create a tactical advantage - it is no secret that Lewandowski is the best striker in the world. He’s also a remarkable athlete, keeping his fitness levels very high with a carefully designed diet plan by famous nutritionist Anna, who (you guessed it right) also happens to be his wife.

His bulging muscles and well defined abs make him look like chiseled granite. His own lifestyle, along with Bayern’s own fitness team have helped him attain superhuman levels of health and strength.

However, Lewandowski has always been this dedicated, so you might still not be convinced of the wonders the FC Bayern fitness team can do. Now, we will take a look at the metamorphosis of some players the past year, and even you won’t believe the change they’ve undergone.

The BIG Transformations

Leon Goretzka joined Bayern from Schalke as a lithe, quick player who could thrive in the attacking third with his well timed runs and his ability to get into tight spaces. He came in as a lean player, possibly lacking a bit with regards to the physique required to challenge the best midfielders in the BL.

Fast forward a year, and we have an unprecedented intervention in European football: the lockdown, courtesy of Covid-19. You could say Goretzka utilized his time a bit too well. Constantly in touch with fitness coach Holger Broich, Goretzka designed a diet and workout plan that has him looking like the Hulk, hence the nickname “Hulkretzka”.

According to my expert opinion, he’s been having a lot of Schnitzel and Geschnetzeltes. Others argue that it’s the whey powder. Some feel it’s the “pasta with ketchup” habit that’s doing the magic. I guess we’ll have to ask coach Broich, but for now, it is a well kept secret.

Goretzka allegedly got a modelling contract from Calvin Klein shortly after this was posted after Bayern’s Champions league final triumph against PSG:

Philippe Coutinho joined Bayern in the summer of 2019 on loan from FC Barcelona for one season. He’s had his impactful moments (like scoring 2 goals against his former club), game-winning appearances (Werder Bremen springs to mind) and some good contributions, but one cannot help but notice just how much the lil’ magician has changed since his arrival at Bayern.

He was timid, not very gifted physically and shied away from challenges. Midfielders and defenders would simply wrestle the ball from him. Now, however, you can say that pushing him around has become a bit harder.

Within his one year at Bayern, Coutinho has bulked up incredibly and you can say that Bayern have done Barcelona a favour. His runs are much harder to stop, and he draws more defenders. Many clubs in Europe have noticed, and are trying to contact coach Holger Broich and the rest of the fitness team. Bayern Munich have allegedly banned calls from the Premier League to the fitness team, as a result.

Our final exhibit will be Bayern’s Canadian superstar, Alphonso Davies. He started training with the Bayern squad in January 2019, and no one would’ve even imagined the heights he would rise to just a year later. This was him towards the beginning, when he scored his first goal for Bayern:

He started training in earnest, and put in a lot of hard work to up his game. Bayern’s fitness team and Davies’ determination and dedication were always going to spell success together. The gains started showing soon enough...

And on and on he went...

And we end up with this. He’s an absolute tank in defense, and he can easily outmuscle most attackers. The game against Dortmund comes to mind, when he pocketed both Sancho and Alcacer in the Hinrunde, and Haaland in the Rückrunde. Then again, Mason Mount, Tammy Abraham, Lionel Messi and Memphis Depay know how it’s like to go against Davies.

Look at those guns.

All these fascinating transformations are testament to Bayern’s ideals when it comes to fitness, and also show the hard work and determination put in by the players.

Pep Guardiola felt that Lewandowski’s superb work ethic has a big part to play in the team’s overall fitness and determination, stating that his actions are wearing off on his teammates. Here are his comments (SportBible) from 2016:

“He’s the most professional player I’ve ever met. In his head, he thinks about the right food, sleep and training: 24 hours a day. He is always there, never injured, because he focuses on these things.”

Bayern look like a team of 11 units. They’re war machines, they’re tanks. And none of this came easy. They were determined, they put in those shifts, and with help from some of the best fitness experts, they’ve bagged the highest prize in Europe.

I present before you this pic from ESPN to sum it all up:

I guess they all 8-2 much.

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