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Spätes Frühstück am Sonntag: Instagram cryptology links Ribery to 1860, Berni to Tianjin, Cuisance to anarchy, Pavard to...

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Strap on your tinfoil Oktoberfest hats. We’re taking a ride.

ACF Fiorentina v Bologna FC - Serie A Photo by Giuseppe Maffia/NurPhoto via Getty Images

Ribéry is returning to Munich, as a traitor.

Franck Ribéry’s nefarious master plan is finally out in the open. After some careful investigation, it has come to light than Ribéry is returning to Munich, to his “home”, and this time he will play for the club that in fact is in his heart: 1860 MÜNCHEN! Ribéry in 2007 had in fact signed for Bayern thinking he was going to his dream club when he was told “the biggest club in Munich” wanted to sign him. Franck was too ashamed to put it out in the open that he had been fooled.

This also explains why he went to Fiorentina. After leaving Bayern he wanted to move to 1860, but the club would not have him and wanted to de-Bayern him, à la Gnabry’s de-Werderisation at Hoffenheim. Now if you see the colour spectrum the way to go from red to blue is through purple, through violet, and what better place to be violet than the Viola themselves. Now if you see his Instagram account, he has let go of his violet inhibitions and started posting only in their blue or white kits. This added to his constant declarations of returning to Munich because Italy didn’t cut for him, mean the obvious is just on the cusp of happening.

Pavard to miss the UCL mini-tournament

Benji posted a cryptic photo on his Instagram after his injury, we got our expert cryptology department to look into it and decode what this means on his return date. There are two namaste signs which are representative of a week in the french sign language and the fist which signifies five days, so it makes for almost 3 weeks.

The “call me” emoji means a multiplication by 2, which gives us the figure of almost 6 weeks. Of course, L’équipe’s own cryptology team is much better than ours and hence beat us to this conclusion, because there is no other way they got to their own 6-week conclusion.

Cuisance is an Anarchist

In case his name rhyming with nuisance was not an indication enough, Cuisance has now declared his allegiance with regional anarchist movements, He posted with a caption saying the most dreaded phrase known to mankind, hearing or reading which can give you PTSD and shocks, that is, wait for it, “Happy Monday.”

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Happy Monday to everyone

A post shared by Michael Cuisance (@michaelcuisance) on

As an addendum, continuing his fight with Lisa that was explained in the last issue, Thomas müller continues to use dog motifs now, as seen by the dog emoji used by him in the comments to this post. Now, this also has a meaning behind it, the black cat is one of the prominent symbols of anarchism and Müller is using the dog, which is the perennial enemy of the cat to scare Mica back to the right path.

Bayern to lose Berni!

While Bayern is busy trying to get the contracts of Alaba and Thiago extended, another one of its loyal workers is dissatisfied and feeling ignored, having not got any kind of public praise like the other two from KHR. Berni, Bayern’s mascot whose contract also is up next year, and who as of right now is on a paltry salary of “one night out with Arturo Vidal per season” is now being linked to Tianjin TEDA F.C. where he was recommended by his close friend Sandro Wagner.

Berni recently posted on his twitter, showing the beauty of the Chinese culture and the welcome he will receive there. Tianjin has promised to make him the king of Tianjin night-life for the foreseeable future.

Berni has been trying to haggle and is asking for an additional night out with TANK added to his contract. This is the biggest contract story of the summer, and you won’t be hearing it at any other media outlet so stay tuned in to SFaS for more updates.