Goretzka wishes to leave Bayern, headed for Serie A
Sources report that Leon Goretzka finally thinks that his time in Bundesliga and at Bayern Munich is up. He seems to feel that he has achieved all that there is with Bayern, with almost all the domestic trophies done and the UCL being a mere formality. After his longish tenure of two seasons at Bayern, he is ready for greener pastures. This is corroborated by a pretty obvious Instagram story that he post yesterday in which he was showing his back while looking at a sunset with the caption “Munich Sunsets,” hence putting the nail in the coffin of his Munich career which has now set.
In a recent Instagram post, he had put up a puzzle hinting his future, he was shown feeding pasta with ketchup (urghhhhh ewwww) to a small child wearing a blue cap. This is representative of him taking his Bayern-ness (red ketchup) to Italy to destroy whatever sense of culture is left in the peninsula. The touted destination seems to be Bergamo, which is known not only known for its whey protein but also premier for its hair transplant clinics, where Goretzka can re-create and preserve his birds’ nest hairstyle forever. Atalanta FC be ready!
Kimmich suffering from rare syndrome
It has come to light that Joshua Kimmich, the heir to
Lahm Basti has been diagnosed with a rare ailment known as “babyface shouter syndrome,” this seemingly harmless affliction affects one in every eight billion people, and Joshua seems to be the first one in the world to be a patient. Kimmich was diagnosed after a group of researchers at the European Centre for Disease Prevention and Control, who had been studying the rare diseases came upon his Instagram account, where they saw he had not put up a single picture where his mouth was closed in the longest of times.
After being called to the super-secret HQ of ECDPC, Kimmich was finally diagnosed with the same and given the cure, before he permanently affects others (see Alphonso Davies above). According to one of the scientists who wished to remain name anonymous — though he looked weirdly like a certain Bayern player who wears number 25 — Kimmich needs to keep a moustache for at least 3.5 more years to lose the babyface, and his screaming face should go away along with it.
Trouble in the Müller household
Thomas Müller’s family troubles are never too far away. After recently being in the limelight during Niko Kovac’s tenure, Lisa and Thomas’ marriage is again on the rocks and the reason is going to blow your mind!
Recently one of their colts was supposed to participate in a competition, and Lisa wanted him to have Rosette braids while Thomas wanted the colt to have continental braids in tribute to the upcoming continental glory in the UEFA Champions League — this seems like the beginning of the end. The news is that they have already started dividing their assets with Lisa getting the image rights of being with equines, hence Thomas has to find a new spirit animal. Like Alphonso Davies on his ball-recovery missions, Thoams moved fast.
Thomas has gone the simple way and trusted himself to be with canines, in homage to Cando.
Thiago’s mystery future finally revealed
Thiago has been a true enigma at Bayern for the past few weeks now. No one seems to know what is happening or what it is that he wants to do next. Some have linked him to Liverpool, but there seems to be no concrete interest from that side, while others have said that he has bid goodbye to his house, referees, team-mates, neighbours, neighbours’ kittens, favourite barista’s best friend’s second cousin, and his barber’s nephew’s classmates among others.
But don’t worry, for we have you covered! According to the deep analytics of our AI software which recognises patterns in human behaviour to predict their future actions, Thiago is retiring from football and moving to Brazil and starting a foot-volley career. His last three posts on Twitter and Instagram virtually confirm it, and so does the fact that he doesn’t want to stay here and no other club can afford to pay him.
Goodbye Thiago you will be missed and Best of luck!
Note: None of this is to be taken seriously! Tune in next week for another installment. I am thinking of making it a weekly column. Also, wait for my squad planning post which is taking more time than I imagined.