Bavarian Grass Works: A call to arms as Allianz Arena turf is dissed in sham contest

In what can only be described as a travesty within a sham within a TOTAL DISGRACE, Bayern Munich’s near-perfect pitch was unceremoniously disrespected by the DFL as it was not even listed among the top two surfaces for the DFL’s “Pitch of the Year” competition as Borussia Dortmund’s Signal Iduna Park and VfB Stuttgart’s Mercedes-Benz Arena were deemed “better” (term used very loosely).

A real cynic would say, “At least Dortmund won something this season,” but I digress. I’m not sure about you, but this reeks of VOTER FRAUD. Simply put, we at Bavarian Football Works are OUTRAGED and will not stand for this.

This aggression will not stand, man!

Before we proceed, be warned, the results of said competition could be considered downright offensive. Please remove all children from the area as your insides will begin to burn with the rage:

The “Pitch of the Year” award 2019/20 for outstanding lawn quality is given to the @BVB with the SIGNAL IDUNA PARK and the @VfB with the Mercedes-Benz Arena - congratulations!

“Pitch of the Year”? I want a FULL INQUIRY on this madness. One does not simply disrespect the almighty grass within the Allianz Arena without feeling the full wrath of the Bavarian Grass Works community. DFL ... this is your notice. You have started a war with the wrong club’s grass-loving band of misfits, miscreants, and derelicts!

Photo by GASPA/ullstein bild via Getty Images

We can only assume that a rogue weed found in the stands played heavily into the evaluation, but how did it get there. Don’t give “sunlight mixing with moisture” nonsense. I want answers. Perhaps it was Borussia Dortmund and Eintracht Frankfurt who planted said weed. GET ME THE SECURITY FOOTAGE, STAT!

Whoever knows the truth in how this happened, we are now in a situation like the bench scene from the movie JFK. You are “Mr. X” and I am Jim Garrison. Let’s pick a spot, dress in trench coats and fedoras, and you can let me know the INSIDE SCOOP. Just make sure you actually wear clothes under the trench coat, we don’t need (another) trumped up public lewdness charge over here.

Regardless, I will not stand for this atrocity. It’s time like these that we need to mobilize as a grass culture! Write to your local DFL representative and DEMAND justice for the Allianz Arena pitch. If not for yourself and your own sanity...think of the CHILDREN!

As Davos Seaworth once said in Game of Thrones, “If they want to play music with us, let’s play. Drums!”