Bavarian Grass Works: weed invasion at the Allianz Arena

RED ALERT! RED ALERT! Sources inside the Allianz Arena are reporting that there are (gasp...prepare yourself)...WEEDS growing inside the stadium that has been mostly vacant of late.

—Faints...sound of body crumbling to the floor...picks self back up—

Yes, it’s true. There are weeds growing on the hallowed grounds of the Allianz Arena. And no stoners, not the kind of weed that FC Budz promotes, or even the kind you can score from the 49-year-old guy rocking a backwards mesh hat, REO Speedwagon shirt, stonewashed jeans, and wallet chain at your local dive bar.

Another view of the infiltrator. Look if you dare:

Photo by KAI PFAFFENBACH/POOL/AFP via Getty Images

In what can only be described as another unfortunate side effect of the COVID-19 pandemic, we have to assume that this harrowing image is not the only weed lurking about. Where this is one weed, there are always half a dozen (or more!) just ready to peak out from a crevice.

THIS MUST NOT STAND!

As of now, the weeds have not made their way down to the playing surface. If they should, I am prepared to unleash hell...or at least an effective weed killer. We are expecting that the Bayern Munich board will fly up the “Grass Signal” and send me over on an all-expenses-paid trip to eradicate this “undesirable plant” (as defined by Wikipedia — where I go for all of my up-to-date and accurate information).

Like any good warrior, I’ll be preparing for battle and waiting to thrust myself into action. Just hit the signal...I’ll be ready.

Maybe I’m not the hero that Allianz Arena grass deserves...but I am the one that it needs in this time of crisis.