It’s Avengers Week at SB Nation! We received a daunting mission: which Avengers characters would we pick as Bayern Munich’s superhero alter-egos? After vigorous debate, we have settled on the following choices. Behold, our marvelous lineup:
Robert Lewandowski — Captain Marvel
The strongest Marvel Avenger, Lewandowski is the perfect choice. Coming up clutch in big games and proves to be the most invaluable player on the squad. His shots are so unstoppable because, well... they’re not actually shots but bolts of energy! To anyone who wants to stop him, I’ve got bad news: you can’t. Maybe just give up — he’s a force you don’t want to mess with.
Manuel Neuer — Captain America
He’s Der Kapitän of FC Bayern Munich. He’s integral to the team, always reliable, and you know you can trust him. He came as a cast-off from a different era (well, team) and established himself as an icon, much like the Cap. Also, he’s got the same blonde hair and the air of authority. You’d have to travel far and wide to get a person who fits in the role as much.
Thiago — Dr. Strange
The Magician, Thiago can pull tricks out of thin air in the most spectacular ways much like Dr. Strange. He uses the Eye of Aga-München to freeze time, analyzes the position of players all over the pitch, and teleports the ball to its destination. He uses vortexes and wormholes to appear and disappear at will, making opposition players slip and slide. And he’s just as wise. Hopefully he proves us right and signs that contract extension!
Joshua Kimmich — Hulk
You’ve seen Kimmich on the field. The anger, the ferocity — you just don’t want to arouse Kimmich. An angry Kimmich is akin to a Hulk who’s not been invited to your pizza party: you are as good as dead. He may only be 5’9”, but he’s got a 15’10” presence. God help you if you find yourself on his wrong side.
Thomas Müller — Loki
The master puppeteer, the behind-the-scenes manipulator, the man with the schemes, the clown with the hidden agenda. Müller may make you laugh with his goofiness, but make no mistake: here’s a man who not only interprets space, but almost everything else that goes on in front of and behind the scenes. He’s definitely not one you want to mess with. He’ll cold-heartedly destroy his enemies. Just ask the numerous CAMs he’s brushed aside year after year.
Niklas Süle — Drax
This one’s pretty self explanatory. The biggest man in every room, the presence that intimidates every defender. 97 kgs of pure muscle, Süle will rip you to shreds and have you for lunch. I warn you, please do not get into a brawl with him. His reflexes are far too fast.
Serge Gnabry — Black Widow
Precision. Finesse. There are few assassins as skilled at the job as Gnabry. He dribbles past players with his pace, and before they know it, he on to the goal. He’s absolutely great at taking down defenses, because he knows how they’re all programmed. A stone-cold killer, he definitely knows how to put the ball at the back of the net. Just ask Tottenham or Chelsea.
Philippe Coutinho — Vision
Much like the avenger himself, Coutinho’s got great vision. He has remarkable abilities: wondrous through balls, great eye for goal and good dribbling skills — but to what end? Vision was powerful, but not particularly useful in the showdown against Thanos. He was there briefly for a show of power, and simply disintegrated, much like Coutinho’s season. There’s still a lot of potential in there, though.
Alphonso Davies — Spider-Man
Everyone’s favorite neighborhood boy, the young beacon to carry the mantle. The kid with the golden heart and admirable qualities. Plus, it makes sense how the ball sticks to Davies when he’s dribbling past entire teams: he uses webs and his sticky legs to get the job done.
David Alaba — Thor
Like Thor, Alaba makes thunder his thunderous left foot that we have seen him score beautiful free kicks with. He has a hammer for a leg as if it’s filled with the power of the mystical Mjölnir. Before he takes a free kick, he looks to the sky, invokes the supreme power of thunder and takes a scorcher of a shot, which is seldom off target as a result. If you watch some of his goals closely, you’ll see him point to the sky after he scores. Food for thought?
Kingsley Coman — Black Panther
No one is more agile with the ball at his feet than the dribbling maestro Coman. The ability to quickly dissect opponents defense with surgical precision, Coman is able to defeat his enemies much like T’challa. He’s the king who was promised. He literally has “King” in his name, which is testament to his supreme skill on the ball.
Benjamin Pavard — Rocket
He has a knack for scoring absolute rockets of goals. France 2018? Bayern Munich 2019. He doesn’t score often, but when he does, you don’t see the ball, just the gaping hole in the goal netting. It is rumoured that the secret to this ability lies in the fact that there’s a rocket launcher hidden inside his foot. Plus, he’s got the adorable looks of a critter.
Hansi Flick — Iron man
The brains behind the avengers, and all their plans. He’s the one who brings them all together and makes them function as one unit. He’s the one who overcomes even the smallest of odds with great pomp. He overcame the Civil War that followed Niko Kovac’s departure, and got the team rolling together once again. It’s fortunate that unlike Iron Man, he’s here to stay for the foreseeable future.
Oliver Kahn — Nick Fury
He’s the boss you don’t cross. Kahn has asserted himself at Säbener Strasse with authority since joining the executive board. A bad-ass since his playing days, Kahn doesn’t take any BS and will let you know exactly where you stand. Don’t mess with Oli.
Karl-Heinz Rummenigge — Thanos
A little nod to our friends at FTW, who once imagined the following scene: “Rummenigge is going to collect all the infinity stones, snap his fingers, and watch as half the league disintegrates.” We don’t necessarily agree that Kalle wants to annihilate half the league, but the stoic, calculating cultivation of dominance is definitely in his wheelhouse.
Uli Hoeness — Odin
The all-powerful father figure, he sees everything. He’s wise, and knows how to make a stand. All his enemies are vanquished without a trace, no matter their power or position. He’s considerate if you’re family and venomous if you’re a hindrance. All hail the mighty lord Uli!
Who else would you pick? Who would you assign differently?