Match awards and player ratings from Germany’s 6-0 humiliation against Spain

Germany have hit a new low. Everyone knew that keeping Jogi after the 2018 world cup debacle was a bad idea. Everyone except the DFB of course. Oliver Bierhoff and his cronies backed Joachim Low to this day, and this is the result.

SIX goals. This isn’t San Marino we’re talking about. GERMANY, the champions of the 2014 world cup, have lost by six goals. Bayern Munich fans will be reminded of the thrashing handed out to Barcelona a few months ago, as the Germans were almost as bad as Messi and co. This is all on the DFB. They allowed this shambles to happen.

Onto the match awards now ...

Jersey Swap: Ferran Torres.

If Jogi Low gets sacked tomorrow, Merkel should give Ferran Torres a medal. The young Manchester City winger terrorized the German defense, scoring a hat-trick via a number of excellent finishes. He was Spain’s most threatening player, on a night where every player looked threatening — we’re glad that he showed the Germans no mercy. If only teams had been this clinical earlier, then maybe Jogi would’ve been fired ages ago.

Der Kaiser: Mats Hummels and Jerome Boateng.

After a defensive performance like that, you can either leave this award blank or give it to the players who didn’t play. Mats Hummels and Jerome Boateng will be feeling vindicated right now, as the duo probably sat at home watching Germany collapse like a burning house of cards.

The defending was Sunday league level at times, with Spain slicing open the German defense without a shred of resistance. Even Niklas Sule, whom Bayern Munich fans will swear is a good defender, looked terrible in the 45 minutes he played. Robin Koch was out of his depth. Philipp Max couldn’t defend to save his life.

It’s time to bring these two back. Aside from Sule, they’re the best that Germany’s got. They’ve won a world cup. Trust your veterans, DFB! And fire Jogi.

Der Bomber: Thomas Muller.

Speaking of veterans, you know who was sorely missed? Thomas Muller. Germany had two shots in the entire game. The attack, midfield, and pressing structure was non-existent. Since it’s impossible to give an award to any of the attackers who played, let’s give it to the guy whose influence was felt by his absence.

Honestly, it’s baffling why Jogi canned Muller at all. The man could’ve pulled these pieces into a functioning system. With Serge Gnabry, Timo Werner, and Leroy Sane playing ahead of him, Germany could’ve had an attacking system with world class fluidity. He could’ve helped bring Flick’s pressing tactics back to the national team. Don’t believe me? Take a look at what his teammate said:

But the time for Jogi to bring back Muller has passed. If the DFB can’t find a good coach, then maybe they should just hire Thomas as player-coach. That’s probably going to be better than whatever the hell is going on right now.

Der Fußballgott: Joshua Kimmich.

Again, giving awards to players on the pitch was impossible, so we give awards based on their absence. Lining up in a 4-3-3 with Toni Kroos, Ilkay Gundogan, and Leon Goretzka in midfield, the Germans got dominated by Spain from minute one. Even with Thiago Alcantara absent from the lineup, Luis Enrique’s men made the midfield battle look more like a midfield scuffle, given how easily they won it.

Kimmich was so badly missed. His grit, his intelligence, his positioning, and especially his never say die attitude — the absence of it all left a massive vacuum in the center of that German midfield. A team as big as Germany should never be dependent on just one player, but I guess that's where we are now.

Meister of the Match: Manuel Neuer.

Let’s keep it simple, out of the players that actually played, Neuer was the only one that deserves any credit. The Bayern and Germany captain kept the score down to just six goals, making numerous saves to deny the Spaniards despite a non-existent defense starting in front of him. I actually feel sorry for the man — he didn’t deserve this kind of a loss.

Photo by Fran Santiago/Getty Images

Additional player ratings:

Here are some additional player ratings, because I was bored and wanted to be comprehensive:

• Timo Werner: 4/10. Not particularly impressive, didn’t get a shot off.
• Serge Gnabry: 5/10. Only player who was threatening for Germany. Could’ve had a goal.
• Leroy Sane: 3/10. Kept losing the ball. Very disappointing.
• Toni Kroos: 3/10. Cannot press to save his life.
• Ilkay Gundogan: 2/10. Did he even play?
• Leon Goretzka: 4/10. Ineffective. He needs Kimmich next to him.
• Philipp Max: 2/10. His flank was a highway for the Spaniards.
• Robin Koch: 1/10. A disaster.
• Niklas Sule: 2/10. Just as bad as Koch.
• Matthias Ginter: 2/10. Bad.
• Florian Neuhaus (sub): 5/10. Brought some life into the mid.
• Benjamin Henrichs (sub): 3/10. Pointless.
• Luca Waldschmidt (sub): 3/10. Ineffective.
• Jonathan Tah (sub): 1/10. A disaster.

Well wasn’t that fun? And for the coach, we give a big fat ZERO. That’s right, Jogi gets a 0/10. It’s more than he deserves.