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BREAKING: Bayern Munich FURIOUS as overweight STAR caught snacking during preseason

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Like Manchester United’s chances of being relevant again, this article should not be taken seriously.

Photo by Alex Grimm/Bongarts/Getty Images

Footballers eat FOOD. Who could have guessed? Apparently not TZ: in a new article published online, the Munich based newspaper reported on some scandalous happenings in the Bayern Munich camp. Apparently Niklas Süle, who is a large individual (I believe the technical term is “chonky”) was spotted at a local restaurant.

Naturally, this is the most shocking revelation ever and deserves its own article. Apparently, on June 9, Sule visited a restaurant called Türkitch and took a picture with the owner who uploaded it to Instagram. TZ asks the most relevant question: should Sule be snacking during preseason?

Is Niklas Süle *gasp* getting fat?

Everyone knows food makes people fat. It’s a law of the universe. As an experienced consumer of food, Süle knows this better than most — legend has it that to grow to his current size, he consumed a weisswurst the size of Earth’s second moon. (You say Earth only has one moon? That’s what the government wants you to think.)

A few months ago, Süle even admitted that he gained weight during the offseason — lord knows how much he had to eat to do that. Man’s basically human-Kirby at this point, nothing can stop him.

Unfortunately for Bayern Munich, as Süle’s employer, they expect him to religiously maintain his weight and not eat ANYTHING over the course of his contract with the club. After all, everyone knows football players don’t eat food, they derive sustenance directly from their bank accounts. Herein lies the problem, as enumerated by TZ: a player is eating FOOD on his SPARE TIME. There is no greater crime.

What happens now?

Unlike regular folk, Süle can’t burn off a few extra pounds with some time in the gym, he’s gonna stay chonky forever. Therefore, Bayern Munich are left with only one option: they must dissolve his professional contract immediately. By eating it. It’s the only way.

We’ll keep you updated as this story develops.