Fake news: from Steakgate to banned hair stylists, the Bundesliga media is going bonkers

As Bayern Munich’s Franck Ribery dealt with the fall out from his decision to eat a gold steak the nonsense grew, the detractors’ voices grew louder, and eventually the Frenchman hit social media to unleash some choice words on his critics.

Simply put, it was the most overblown, nonsensical, and Franck-ly stupid fake-outrage story of the year — as we covered here. Just because Ribery channeled Beast Boy from Teen Titans Go in an effort to have everything “gold” doesn’t mean he shouldn’t be able to. If Franck wants to buy a gold bear and put him in a gold car...well, that’s his money and his prerogative I suppose.

But just as soon as you thought Bayern might have the market cornered on news stories that are complete nonsense, Borussia Dortmund once again stormed out to the lead by potentially banning a hairstylist after BVB was trounced 3-0 by Tottenham Hotspur earlier this week in the Champions League.

Per Bild, some pressure from inquisitive members of the media has the Black and Yellows re-evaluating their travel agenda, particularly a visit by a hairdresser at the team hotel:

To his credit, Borussia Dortmund CEO Hans-Joachim Watzke denied that the hairdresser had anything to do with the loss, but felt the need to clarify that to the every-curious media who somehow thought this was an issue.

It certainly has no influence on a team’s performance. There are sporting reasons for our defeat, and we need to analyse them. It’s clear the defeat also leads to a critical media view of the hairdresser’s visit. And that’s why [sporting director] Michael Zorc and [squad manager] Sebastian Kehl will review this with the players.

Surely it wasn’t the absence of Marco Reus, Paco Alcacer, Julian Weigl, and Lukasz Piszczek or the overall passive and poor play by just about every man on the pitch — it was the hair stylist that must have been the culprit for such a debacle!

While the Bundesliga may never reach the heights of absurdity associated with the Premier League, “Steakgate” and “Hair Dresser Drama” do not accurately reflect how relatively normal the Bundesliga is. I mean, if you want to dig up dirt on these guys, you are really reaching when pushing for info on their selection of food and timing for a hair cut.

The most curious thing about this whole non-issue is that Axel Witsel was allegedly one of the players who received a trim! His hair is glorious for sure — that is some quality lettuce that may be rivaled only by Leon Goretzka’s tremendous bird’s nest — but who cares where and when he got it tightened up unless he was getting snipped during Lucien Favre’s pregame speech?

Like any good team executive looking to remove the spotlight from his team after a disappointing loss, perhaps, Watzke could have just shifted the focus on to himself by sitting down and having himself a nice gold steak for dinner instead of instituting a ban on a hair dresser.

Hey Franck, do you have SaltBae’s number?