Daily Schmankerl: Barca covets Joshua Kimmich, Mourinho wears Spurs pajamas, and Antonio Conte gives Inter course on sex

Barcelona’s signing plan: Joshua Kimmich... or maybe Lukas Klostermann (Mundo Deportivo)

Mundo Deportivo laid out all of FC Barcelona’s transfer plans, fictional and factual (well, mostly fictional) in a recent article. The part that will attract the interest of Bayern Munich fans, of course, is section numero uno: “un lateral” (that’s how you say outside-back or wing-back in Spanish — and it’s “laterale” in Italian and “latéral” in French, all from the Latin word for “on the side,” lateralis, but I digress). El Mundo says:

Barça is looking for an indisputable fullback and the one they like the most is the German, Joshua Kimmich (24), a defender at “Bayern de Múnich” who stands out for his great ball control, his power, his forcefulness, and his offensive instincts.

Ah, but he’s under contract until 2023 and even Mundo Deportivo admits that “Bayern has no intention of getting rid of him, unless the player himself insistently demands it” — and we all know how well that works at Bayern.

Crashing back to earth, Barca sees perhaps another German who will do: “Lukas Klostermann (23), German international with RB Leipzig whose contract expires in 2021 and is one of the emerging stars of German soccer.” That sounds somewhat more plausible.

BREAKING: Inter Milan’s players are all terrible in bed thanks to Antonio Conte (Metro)

Antonio Conte confessed that he has advised all his players to be terrible in bed. Conte essentially espouses the philosophy of judo founder Jigoro Kano, who aspired to “maximum efficiency with minimum effort” to ensure “mutual welfare and benefit.” In Conte’s words,

During the season, I advise my players to have sex for short periods and with the minimum of effort, and better use positions where they are under their partners.

In this way, the minimal effort put forth by his players enables them to save their strength for the team’s fixtures and avoid unnecessary injury. Conte declined to address concerns over the satisfaction of his players’ sparring partners, although he added that his players should sleep “preferably with their wives, because if with others, well, that needs extra action.”

“Huge pillows”: José is back and he’s sleeping in Spurs pajamas

Bayern extend Beats by Dre partnership (FCBayern.com)

Bayern has extended its partnership with Beats by Dr. Dre, which it has held with the Apple subsidiary since 2015. Bayern’s board member Andreas Jung said,

We are delighted to continue this successful partnership and keep supplying our players with premium products by Beats by Dr. Dre.

No word on whether the club might debut “Beats by Dr. Hans-Wilhelm Müller-Wohlfahrt” in the near future.

Scott Sandalow leaves FC Bayern US

More big changes at Bayern Munich’s New York City office. Just months after longtime leader Cristian Nyari left the Bayern office for DAZN, now Scott Sandalow is departing for parts unknown. Ois Guada, Scott, and pfiat di!

Marco Reus not amused after bailing his teammates out vs Paderborn (AP)

The matchday got off to a dramatic start on Friday. Lowly Paderborn, dead last on the table, took a 3-0 lead over Borussia Dortmund away into halftime. Alas, the Yellow and Black managed to save a little face with a last-minute draw thanks to the heroics of Marco Reus, but Reus was frank about the team’s miserable performance after the game. He echoed a sentiment we heard about the team’s performances under Niko Kovac:

I have no explanation for the first half. No idea what we did there. It was shameful. We must never, ever play like that again. We have to speak about it, there’s no other way. We didn’t just escape with a [black] eye – we were really socked. The coach sets us up super. We’re the ones responsible for delivering our performance.

How much longer can Lucien Favre hold on before he suffers the same fate as Kovac?