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Daily Schmankerl: AC Milan to trade Calhanoglu for Boateng or Müller, Barca & Arsenal after Pochettino, and more

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A naughty idea in Italian turned into a ridiculous transfer rumor in English: AC Milan now supposedly wants to trade Hakan Calhanoglu for Thomas Müller or Jerome Boateng. Meanwhile, Kevin De Bruyne calls the Euro 2020 draw a “disgrace,” and everyone wants Pochettino.

SOCCER: JUL 23 International Champions Cup - FC Bayern v AC Milan
The last time Hakan Calhanoglu met Bayern, he was almost mobbed for this dangerous tackle on Kingsley Coman.
Photo by Nick Tre. Smith/Icon Sportswire via Getty Images

AC Milan to trade Hakan Calhanoglu for Thomas Müller or Jerome Boateng! (Calciomercato)

Former Bayer Leverkusen star Hakan Calhanoglu, now with AC Milan, said in the latest edition of Sport Bild interview that “if Bayern someday approached me again, then I certainly would not say no.” And “of course it’s a goal [of his] to play for Bayern, BVB, or another big club in Germany,” he said.

Say no more! Leave it to the Italians to take those harmless comments and spin a story. Calciomercato is now touting a headline that translates in English, “CALHANOGLU OUT: EXCHANGE WITH BAYERN MUNICH!”

Once you get down into the details they add this:

It’s obviously only Calciomercato’s suggestion at the moment, but there are various profiles at Bayern Munich that might interest Milan.

The two they suggest are Jerome Boateng and Müller. Of course, their wages are “too high” for Milan, “but a longer contract could solve the problem.” Right, of course! Milan will pay them less money for longer! Or perhaps Corentin Tolisso might throw himself at Milan, or, or...

The amazing and completely unsurprising thing is that this nonsense then turns into transfer stories in English, like this one from Sempre Milan, who report:

According to Calciomercato.it, there is a chance that a swap deal could take place between Milan and the Bundesliga champions, with two profiles in particular that could interest the Rossoneri.

The two mentioned in the report are centre-back Jerome Boateng and forward Thomas Muller, both of whom play in positions that Milan need and both of whom offer vital experience and leadership.

At least they provided a link back to the source, where readers who read Italian will learn they have been sold a steaming pile of merda.

Barcelona to race Bayern to sign Pochettino first (The Sun)

Bayern Munich is not the only club interested in hiring recently fired Mauricio Pochettino to replace their coach. All the big clubs who hate their current coaches are! At the top of the list, of course, is FC Barcelona’s Ernesto Valverde. Renowned publication The Sun describes the situation thusly:

Poch is in the unusual position of having Europe’s top clubs forming a queue for him, despite losing his job after a poor start to the season.

Ernesto Valverde is under pressure at Barca and they will look to the ex-Espanyol manager should the LaLiga giants wield the axe.

But wait, there’s more! Arsenal also hates its manager, Unai Emery. Who will strike first?!

Joshua Kimmich unwittingly launches “charm offensive” for Pochettino (The Mirror)

This one will be news to Kimmich himself! Kimmich was asked after Germany’s 6-1 victory over Northern Ireland whether Bayern might pursue Pochettino (Sport Bild). Kimmich said, “I don’t know whether he comes into consideration for us.” He went on to describe Pochettino as a “top coach” and praised him for Tottenham’s consistently good form.

The Mirror’s headline: Bayern Munich star Joshua Kimmich launches Mauricio Pochettino charm offensive. Of course.

ESPN FC’s 100 best absurdities sure to piss off Bayern and Bundesliga fans (ESPN FC)

ESPN FC took combined a hefty dose of recency bias and blind allegiance to the Premier League and La Liga to come up with a new list of the another list of the best 100 players in the world by position — that is sure to piss of Bayern fans and Bundesliga fans generally. Robert Lewandowski, for instance, is their third-best striker, behind Harry Kane and Sergio Aguero!?

Serge Gnabry? Not listed. Kingsley Coman? Not listed. Thiago? Not listed. Niklas Süle or Mats Hummels? Not listed.

David Alaba is the second-best left-back behind Andrew Robertson, Kimmich the second-best right-back behind Trent Alexander-Arnold (never mind he’s played mostly at midfield this season). At least Lucas Hernandez got some of that La Liga magic to get ranked at no. 5 at left-back, even though he’s been injured almost constantly since January.

Kevin De Bruyne calls UEFA’s Euro draw “a disgrace” (Spiegel)

Do you understand how teams are drawn for the group stage of Euro 2020? No? That seems to be the point, given the byzantine rules that govern the process. Belgium’s Kevin De Bruyne openly called the system “a disgrace.” De Bruyne said, “To me it feels like a distortion of competition.”

For poor Belgium, it is already inevitable that they will play against Russia and Denmark, and the fourth team will be either Wales or Finland. Spiegel explains it as follows:

The fact that the Red Devils’ opponents are already known is due to the Euros’ method. Each of the six groups has two co-hosts, each of whom play in their home groups — from pot 1, that’s Germany, Italy, Spain, and England; Belgium and Ukraine are assigned to other groups. Since Ukraine cannot play in Russia for political reasons, Belgium moves up into the St. Petersburg group B.

De Bruyne told Belgian TV, “Soccer has become a business more and more. That takes all the excitement and joy out of the draw.”

Anyway...

Three Germany home games at the Allianz Arena!

Mark the date: Bayern II vs 1860, November 24

It’s the 3.Liga duel we have all been waiting for. Bayern II will play the first team of 1860 Munich! T-Mobile’s Magenta Sport promises to stream the game live for free. MUNICH IS RED!

“Forever Number One” on piano