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Theory: Bayern Munich spent all its money on a solid gold statue of Jupp Heynckes

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*Like Dortmund’s chances of winning the league, this article is not meant to be taken seriously.

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Borussia Dortmund v FC Bayern Muenchen - UEFA Champions League Final Photo by Laurence Griffiths/Getty Images

Ok, so everyone knows that Bayern Munich haven’t been particularly active in the transfer window this summer. Besides the signing of Leon Goretzka, who was actually a free transfer, and Alphonso Davies, who is a 17 year old playing in MLS, the Bavarians have declined to participate in the transfer window beyond putting some of its older stars up for sale.

Recently, a report by Bild stated that Bayern turned down a swap deal from Manchester United for Jerome Boateng, with the reason being that the board want only cash from the transaction. Meanwhile, Arturo Vidal is about to complete a transfer to Champions League rivals Barcelona and even Thiago Alcantara is rumored to be on the market. So what gives? Why is Bayern so anxious to sell?

It’s probably because we have way to many midfielders. There’s a simple explanation for all of this. Bayern must have spent all its transfer budget elsewhere. My guess? They’re building a solid gold statue of Jupp Heynckes.

BFW EXCLUSIVE: Everything you need to know about Das Monument (that’s what we’re calling it)

Q. How big is this statue?

A. Short answer? Pretty big. Long answer? Settle in for some MATH.

Current price of gold = $38,820.42 per kilogram (SOURCE) or $38,820,420 per ton.
Bayern’s estimated transfer budget: €80,000,000 or $92,616,720

Therefore, estimated weight of the statue = 92,616,720 / 38,820,420 = 2.39 tons.
Density of gold = 19,320 kg/cubic meter.
Estimated volume of the statue = (2.39 x 1,000) / 19,320 = 0.123 cubic meters.

Assuming the statue is a perfect cube, that would mean that it’s about 50cm or half a meter tall. However, Jupp Heynckes isn’t shaped like a cube. Assuming the statue is a cylinder with a base that is 40cm in diameter, the resulting height of the statue is about 98cm.

Realistically, the statue should be even taller because Heynckes isn’t a perfect cylinder, so assume it’s at least 1m tall or more. That’s pretty big for a gold statue. It could be even bigger depending on how pure the gold is.

Q. Where will it be kept?

A. Probably inside Bayern’s museum in the Allianz Arena.

Q. Will Jupp’s dog get a statue?

A. A statue of Cando (Jupp’s German Shepard) is likely planned for 2019. So don’t expect any transfers next summer either.

Q. Is there anything else planned?

A. If the rumored Boateng to PSG deal goes through for €60m, then Bayern can spend that money on making replica trophies of the Bundesliga, DFB Pokal, and the Champions League to put next to Heynckes in the display. This is to symbolize the fact that he remains our first and only manager to win the treble.

The current theory is that the Bundesliga and UCL trophies will be made out of white gold while the DFB Pokal will just be made out of regular gold. There’s a chance that Bayern could spend a bit less by using a sensible metal like bronze and use our transfer fees for, well, transfers, but it’s unlikely. Jupp Heynckes deserves nothing but the best. The club could have made the statue out of platinum of course, but most people can’t really tell the difference between it and silver (and the statue wouldn’t be nearly as impressive).

Q. When will the statue be unveiled?

A. A release date for Das Monument is not currently known at this time.

Q. Was this really necessary?

A. Yes, of course. What are you talking about?