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Sources: Vidal “desperate” to transfer to China, learn shaolin soccer

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Vidal can’t wait around to win a treble, when he could dive into a bath of cold hard yuan like Scrooge McDuck!

VfL Wolfsburg v Bayern Muenchen - Bundesliga
We didn’t know at the time, but he was already waving goodbye.
Photo by Christof Koepsel/Getty Images for MAN

As reported by The Sun and countless other respectable newspapers, Arturo Vidal is “desperate” to leave Bayern Munich for the Chinese Super League next season. There are only two years left on the 30-year-old midfielder’s contract with Bayern, ending in 2019.

Vidal reportedly fears that a vampiric Arjen Robben will rejuvenate himself by draining the life out of his knees, and Bayern have a long history of never extending vital players beyond the terms of their first contract.

“How can this be true?” you wonder. Oh, believe me. It’s true. See, The Sun read a report in Sport 1. That article is in German. It must be true.

“But what about Sport 1?!” Well, Sport 1 has a real source from Chile. Arturo Vidal is Chilean. See the connection? Right: they cite well-known Chilean journalist Maks Cardena. “Maks who?” Maks Cardena, silly - oh, hmm, this person doesn’t seem to exist.

Aha! Found him. Ok, not Maks Cardena, but Maks Cárdenas! He has a Twitter account and even an accent in his last name, so he must be legit. Let’s see: he’s a sports journalist from Chile! In Europe! He works for the Chilean channels Canal del Fútbol, Cooperativa, and Mega, which he helpfully lists on his profile.

Does he work for all three at the same time? I don’t know, but here he is doing something strange with a microphone outside Arturo Vidal’s very hotel in Russia:

Now brace yourself for TRUTH: according to Maks,

There it is. You now know as much as The Sun, Sport 1, and the rest of the Internet. Arturo Vidal is as good as gone. Bayern will not listen to offers for him now, but he’s off to China next year.

It all makes sense and The Sun helpfully tells you in 250 words why that is. It’s like this:

The deal would go down well with Bayern, too, as they would rake in an inflated transfer fee for a player they would have otherwise lost for nothing just 12 months later.

Since Bayern has consistently struggled to convince any important players to sign extensions, there just is absolutely no chance that Bayern could ever convince Vidal to agree to an contract extension. But Karl-Heinz Rummenigge would be crazy to let Vidal walk for nothing on a free transfer. What club in its right mind would do that? Has anyone ever heard of anything so ludicrous?

There is something more: China represents the ultimate frontier for Vidal, the threshold he must cross to take his game to the next level. Sources report that rather than sign with heavyweights Guangzhou Evergrand or filthy rich Shanghai Shenhua, Vidal intends to join the legendary Chinese Shaolin Soccer Team:

You heard it here first.