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Rating the rumors: Every single Bayern manager candidate from worst to first

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There are some uncanny names in here, including a bear

Paris Saint-Germain v Bayern Muenchen - UEFA Champions League Photo by Alexander Hassenstein/Bongarts/Getty Images

Welcome to silly season, Bayern fans! In case you’ve missed it, Bayern Munich are looking for the new manager. Having sacked Carlo Ancelotti following a devastating defeat to PSG, the Bavarians will need a new coach very soon. Whenever a big European club starts headhunting for someone to take charge, there will be rumors.

Lots of rumors. Some very credible. Others worryingly bonkers. So here’s a quick rundown of the major gossip floating around the internet, their pros and cons, plus a handy rating to assess how likely they are. Here we go.

#1: Diego Simeone

Source: The Sun (oh dear)

Pros: Is a strong personality, plays a aggressive brand of football, will whip Bayern’s leaky defense into shape.

Cons: A radically different style of play compared to what Bayern is used to, has shown no indication that he wants to leave Atletico Madrid.

Rumor Rating: 0/10. Complete fantasy.

#2: Jurgen Klopp

Source: Christoph Metzelder (via The Liverpool Echo)

Pros: Plays an aggressive style of football with gegenpressing and swift counterattacks, knows the Bundesliga inside out, is a very likable character who the fans and players can rally around, was once a candidate for the Bayern job but we chose Jurgen Klinsmann instead (facepalm).

Cons: Struggles to organize a competent defense, is part of a long term project at Liverpool and seems unlikely to leave. Laughed when Mainz beat Bayern at home last year.

Rumor Rating: 1/10. At least it’s not The Sun.

#3: Louis van Gaal

Source: Westdeutschen Allgemeine Zeitung (via Bild)

Pros: Knows the club, could be willing to take a short contract and step aside for a younger man (hint: Nagelsmann) at the end of the season.

Cons: Has fallen out with Uli Hoeness and Karl-Heinz Rummenigge before, his last Bayern tenure didn’t end well, was disappointing at Manchester United.

Rumor Rating: 3/10.

#4: Willy Sagnol

Source: Various

Pros: Is already part of the coaching structure at the club, could agree to be a temporary solution until someone more permanent becomes available (like Nagelsmann).

Cons: Has never managed a top-level club before, his Berlin audition was disastrous.

Rumor Rating: 5/10. Not impossible, but not likely either.

#5: Julian Nagelsmann

Source: Various

Pros: Is Bavarian, has spoken about managing Bayern before, took a relegation threatened Hoffenheim team to 4th in the Bundesliga with minimal resources, plays a good brand of football. He was contacted about managing Bayern’s youth team in the past, but turned it down for the opportunity to manage Hoffenheim’s first team.

Cons: Has no experience managing a dressing room with big egos like Bayern’s, is very inexperienced overall, lacks European success, is under contract with Hoffenheim until 2021.

Rumor Rating: 6.5/10. One of the likelier rumors.

#6: Luis Enrique

Source: Juanma Romero, Sport1

Pros: Has experience at the very top, took over a Barcelona team in disarray and converted them into treble winners.

Cons: Did not have the greatest time in Roma, questions over whether he can achieve success in a team without Messi, Suarez, or Neymar, has already said that he wants a year off from the sport.

Rumor Rating: 7/10. Reasonably accurate.

#7: Thomas Tuchel

Source: Sport Bild

Pros: Knows the Bundesliga, is Bavarian, plays a brand of football similar to Pep Guardiola’s, has experience at a top club (Borussia Dortmund), already owns a house in Munich and can take over immediately, could get the most out of the embattled Thomas Muller, has the Pep Guardiola Seal of Approval(TM).

Cons: Has a dubious record when it comes to coaching a defense, reportedly fell out with the management at both Dortmund and Mainz, reports of friction between him and Mats Hummels.

Rumor Rating: 8/10. The likeliest candidate.

Bonus: Berni the Bear.

FC Bayern Muenchen v Bayer 04 Leverkusen - Bundesliga
Like Bayern, Berni has an unquenchable thirst for silverware.
Photo by Sebastian Widmann/Bongarts/Getty Images

Source: I made it up, which is still a better source than The Sun.

Pros: Is Bavarian, knows the club inside out, has worked under several top managers like Louis van Gaal, Jupp Heynckes, and Pep Guardiola.

Cons: Is a bear, hiring him will leave Bayern mascot-less.

Rumor Rating: Berni/10.

Poll

Who do you want as Bayern Munich’s next manager?

This poll is closed

  • 3%
    Diego Simeone (I want Neuer to retire early)
    (23 votes)
  • 7%
    Jurgen Klopp (Brendan Rodgers is better anyway)
    (49 votes)
  • 1%
    Louis van Gaal (I actually hate Bayern Munich)
    (10 votes)
  • 0%
    Willy Sagnol (Why??)
    (2 votes)
  • 13%
    Julian Nagelsmann (YOLO, right?)
    (84 votes)
  • 9%
    Luis Enrique (I am probably a Barcelona fan)
    (58 votes)
  • 32%
    Thomas Tuchel (wait this isn’t Pep)
    (205 votes)
  • 21%
    Berni (only true Bayern fans pick him)
    (133 votes)
  • 10%
    Other (I just want to watch the world burn)
    (69 votes)
633 votes total Vote Now