Weep in sadness, for gone are the days of Thomas Müller von Beardyness

Bayern Munich: world class dominators extraordinaire and thoroughly boring writing exercise. Oh, Toni Kroos might move to Manchester United. Boring. Oh, Bastian Schweinsteiger is injured for like the umpteenth time. /fart noises. We need to be addressing the really serious issues that are coming to plague this team!

The best example of this is the fact that Thomas Müller is now sponsored by Gillette. The overt corporatism of this once proud German hero is a stain and a blight on this great team and a reduction of the individual expression all Bayern Munich players should display on the pitch.

The distinct lack of facial hair we'll see from this proud hipster devil moving forward should be enough to enrage and incense every Bayern Munich supporter, and will be a stain and blight on his resume for decades to come.

Gone are the days of Hipster von Müllerstache!

Gone are the hours we spent enjoying the goals of Count Handlebar von Müller!

Gone are the fears of walking the plank at the end of Captain Müller von Piratebeards cutlass!